Possibly, in our average busy, chaotic detached world we live in an illusion that we have control of everything… we have the sure way. The old adage among African-Americans is that the only thing we have to do is be black and die. But, aside from those two characteristics of being human, there is little else in life that is certain. So my Lenten message, thus far, has evolved into a spiritual practice of resting in the uncertainty that surrounds me, that surrounds all of us inevitably.
It was a diagnosis from the pathologist that I had an indeterminate calcification in my right breast that exposed the farse of certainty. It was then, upon hearing the word indeterminate that I realized that I was smack dab in the middle of an internal struggle to know everything. I had grown to believe that all of the answers are within us and that we need to discover those answers. It very well may be that during other chapters in my life, I did have the answers within, and needed to channel those answers to manifest. However ‘indeterminate’ made me realize that at this time and place, I struggle with ‘not knowing.’ I struggle with the inability to demand the answers.
Simply having the word of God, and the knowledge of Christ’s resurrection is supposed to open eyes to a deeper understanding, a deeper knowing, right? But for me, I cannot conjure the answers or seem to persuade God to reveal them, now. What the Great Spirit has made known is that his/her presence is certain, and comforting.
So, I practice falling into uncertainty this Lenten season.
It is Cynthia Bourgeault who described it as “letting fear come up and fall through it on the other side'” (The Wisdom Way of Knowing, 70).